It's Personal.

Just putting it out there... putting out how I really feel right now... putting out something personal... yep, putting something out there just to get it off my chest... maybe you can relate.

Where do I fit in? I have gone through life feeling this need to be a part of something, a group, or a movement. I thought it would somehow define me, give me purpose, help me gain self-worth. If I was just simply me, how could anyone appreciate me for me? I could be malleable and just roll with the group, I wouldn't have to expose the real me, that would be too painful if rejected. Who would like my quirks, my flaws, my bad habits? If I just roll with the group I'll find my identity and purpose.

I never stumbled upon my identity by being a part of something, a group, or a movement. I found it by being me, by accepting myself, flaws and all. I found it in the solace of running, being only with myself, forced to find what I am truly made of in moments of weakness. I found that I was a pretty cool person, I didn't need an identity outside of who I really am.

Here is what I have learned to accept: I sometimes put my foot in my mouth, I can be inflexible, I have a voice of a 13 year old, I have a quick temper, I sometimes don't think of others enough, I'm really bad about sending thank you notes for gifts, I'm loud, I have freckles, I don't have the curvacious body I always dreamed of having, I'm almost over the hill, I tend to be insecure, some people think I'm disingenuous, I've become my mother.

Here is what I know: I love to talk to people even if the words don't come out right, I'm a structured and routine person, my voice keeps me sounding forever young, I don't stay mad, I would give anything to someone in need, I at least call when I forget to send the thank you note, others can hear my loud mouth really well, I can laser my freckles off, I'm slim and in the best shape of my life, insecurity makes me vulnerable but I love deeply, most people think I'm genuine, my mother is a beautiful, amazing, and loved  woman.

I'm cool with being me.